Me choosing a Valentine’s Day movie for you is like picking a chocolate out of one of those heart-shaped Russell-Stover boxes that’s missing its map. You just don’t know what you’re gonna get – or if it’s gonna make you barf.
I’ve put together a comprehensive list of the Valentine’s Day movies that I’d choose for myself any day of the year. It’s uniquely categorized; My definitions of love and romance are questionable at best. Proceed with caution.
And Happiest of Valentine’s Days to you and yours.
- The Philadelphia Story – Obviously.
- Something New – More people should see this.
- Joe vs. The Volcano – Favorite Hanks/Ryan combo.
- Mansfield Park – OMG, Jane Austen.
- The Turning Point – Ballet! Baryshnikov! Bancroft!
- Blast from the Past – This is the best rom-com ever made. Don’t question me.
- Phantom of the Opera – Schumacher does Weber. Match made in heaven.
- Field of Dreams – The man loves his father. And baseball, dammit.
- Magic Mike – Seriously. Will defend to my death.
- Ali: Fear Eats the Soul – Real, raw, German love.
- Chocolat – A little sex, a lotta chocolate.
- It Happened One Night – Is there anything better?
Be Aggressively Romantic
Classics with edge.
- Punch-Drunk Love – As much pudding as it takes.
- The Birds – Tippi gets a boyfriend and so much more! (Birds).
- Serious Moonlight – Tie your cheating husband to a toilet, leave him there.
- Candyman – Hellllllennnn.
- Creep – Scary bromance.
- Jennifer’s Body – Eat boys. Feel pretty.
- Sweeney Todd – But would you cut throats for love?
- The Runaways – Cherie and Joan forever.
- Romeo + Juliet – Lotta guns in this one.
- The Lobster – Fall in love or pick an animal.
- Eyes Wide Shut – An erotic thriller where no one has any chemistry and it’s terrifying.
- The Haunting – If you can’t find a man, get you a house.
- Wild at Heart – Sailor and Lula forever.
- Out of the Past – Danger, sex, Jane Greer.
- Nosferatu – He just wants LOVE. And to die. Also your blood.
- Natural Born Killers – If you don’t get this, I don’t get you.
Take It A Step (or 5) Too Far
You were warned.
- American Mary – Fuck romance, get a bone saw and a storage locker.
- The Devil’s Rejects – Family first.
- The Nightmare on Elm Street Series – Freddy is my valentine.
- Freaks – Don’t marry people for their money.
- Buffalo ’66 – Just kidnap a girl.
- Honeymoon – When your wife isn’t your wife anymore.
- Gaslight – If there was ever a time to familiarize yourself with this movie and this term, it is now.
- The St. Valentine’s Day Massacre – per IMDB: “Al Capone’s Valentine’s Day surprise.” Classy
- May – Can’t find a man, make one.
- Spring Breakers – All the explanation you need is here.
- Dead Alive – Anything for Mother.
Remember to Love Yourself
Self-care, at its finest.
- Waitress – Own the pie shop.
- About a Boy – No man is an island.
- Inside Out – Sadness is important, too.
- Romy and Michelle’s High School Reunion – Invent post it notes. Dance like everyone is watching.
- Pieces of April – Be you. Mom will come around.
- Silver Linings Playbook – No shame in your xanax or your mediocre dancing.
- Stuart Saves His Family – I need Al Franken right now.
But Not That Much
- The Master
- American Psycho
- The Social Network – Refresh. Refresh. Refresh.
- The Fly – Your work is never this important.
- Klaus Kinski does Jesus Christ Saviour
- Every Donald Trump Cameo Ever
Now pick your poison – What’s your Valentine’s Day movie of choice?
Make your additions to the list in the comments. If I like ’em, I’ll add ’em.