Choosing a Valentine’s Day Movie: A Comprehensive Guide from Romantic, Horrific, to Totally Narcissistic

Me choosing a Valentine’s Day movie for you is like picking a chocolate out of one of those heart-shaped Russell-Stover boxes that’s missing its map. You just don’t know what you’re gonna get – or if it’s gonna make you barf.

I’ve put together a comprehensive list of the Valentine’s Day movies that I’d choose for myself any day of the year. It’s uniquely categorized; My definitions of love and romance are questionable at best. Proceed with caution.

And Happiest of Valentine’s Days to you and yours.

Be Romantic

Classics.

  • The Philadelphia Story – Obviously.
    The Philadelphia Story | Your Comprehensive Valentine's Day Movie Guide | onecriticalbitch.com
    Hepburn. Yar. Grant and Stewart. THIS IS ALL YOU NEED.
  • Something New – More people should see this.
  • Joe vs. The Volcano – Favorite Hanks/Ryan combo.
  • Mansfield Park – OMG, Jane Austen.
  • The Turning Point – Ballet! Baryshnikov! Bancroft!
  • Blast from the Past – This is the best rom-com ever made. Don’t question me.
  • Phantom of the Opera – Schumacher does Weber. Match made in heaven.
  • Field of Dreams – The man loves his father. And baseball, dammit.
  • Magic Mike – Seriously. Will defend to my death.
  • Ali: Fear Eats the Soul – Real, raw, German love.
  • Chocolat – A little sex, a lotta chocolate.
  • It Happened One Night – Is there anything better?

Be Aggressively Romantic

Classics with edge.

  • Punch-Drunk Love – As much pudding as it takes.
  • The Birds – Tippi gets a boyfriend and so much more! (Birds).
  • Serious Moonlight – Tie your cheating husband to a toilet, leave him there.
  • Candyman – Hellllllennnn.
  • Creep – Scary bromance.
  • Jennifer’s Body – Eat boys. Feel pretty.
    Jennifer's Body | Your Comprehensive Valentine's Day Movie Guide | onecriticalbitch.com
    She loves boys.
  • Sweeney Todd – But would you cut throats for love?
  • The Runaways – Cherie and Joan forever.
  • Romeo + Juliet – Lotta guns in this one.
  • The Lobster – Fall in love or pick an animal.
  • Eyes Wide Shut – An erotic thriller where no one has any chemistry and it’s terrifying.
  • The Haunting – If you can’t find a man, get you a house.
  • Wild at Heart – Sailor and Lula forever.
  • Out of the Past – Danger, sex, Jane Greer.
  • Nosferatu – He just wants LOVE. And to die. Also your blood.
  • Natural Born Killers – If you don’t get this, I don’t get you.

Take It A Step (or 5) Too Far

You were warned.

  • American Mary – Fuck romance, get a bone saw and a storage locker.
  • The Devil’s Rejects – Family first.
  • The Nightmare on Elm Street Series – Freddy is my valentine.
    A Nightmare on Elm Street | Your Comprehensive Valentine's Day Movie Guide | onecriticalbitch.com
    See this guy in my dreams.
  • Freaks – Don’t marry people for their money.
  • Buffalo ’66 – Just kidnap a girl.
  • Honeymoon – When your wife isn’t your wife anymore.
  • Gaslight – If there was ever a time to familiarize yourself with this movie and this term, it is now.
  • The St. Valentine’s Day Massacre – per IMDB: “Al Capone’s Valentine’s Day surprise.” Classy
  • May – Can’t find a man, make one.
  • Spring Breakers – All the explanation you need is here.
  • Dead Alive – Anything for Mother.

Remember to Love Yourself

Self-care, at its finest.

    • Waitress – Own the pie shop.
    • About a Boy – No man is an island.
    • Inside Out – Sadness is important, too.
    • Romy and Michelle’s High School Reunion – Invent post it notes. Dance like everyone is watching.
    • Pieces of April – Be you. Mom will come around.
    • Silver Linings Playbook – No shame in your xanax or your mediocre dancing.
    • Stuart Saves His Family – I need Al Franken right now.

via GIPHY

But Not That Much

Narcissism kills.

Now pick your poison – What’s your Valentine’s Day movie of choice?

Make your additions to the list in the comments. If I like ’em, I’ll add ’em.

  • Michael Landers

    No list would be complete without “The St. Valentine’s Day Massacre.” Jason Robards starring. Roger Corman directing. Released just months before the Summer of Love. Ah, those were the days!

    • You’re so correct. Added under “Taking it a step too far.”