Me choosing a Valentine’s Day movie for you is like picking a chocolate out of one of those heart-shaped Russell-Stover boxes that’s missing its map. You just don’t know what you’re gonna get – or if it’s gonna make you barf.

I’ve put together a comprehensive list of the Valentine’s Day movies that I’d choose for myself any day of the year. It’s uniquely categorized; My definitions of love and romance are questionable at best. Proceed with caution.

And Happiest of Valentine’s Days to you and yours.

Be Romantic

Classics.

  • The Philadelphia Story – Obviously.

    The Philadelphia Story | Your Comprehensive Valentine's Day Movie Guide | onecriticalbitch.com
    Hepburn. Yar. Grant and Stewart. THIS IS ALL YOU NEED.
  • Something New – More people should see this.
  • Joe vs. The Volcano – Favorite Hanks/Ryan combo.
  • Mansfield Park – OMG, Jane Austen.
  • The Turning Point – Ballet! Baryshnikov! Bancroft!
  • Blast from the Past – This is the best rom-com ever made. Don’t question me.
  • Phantom of the Opera – Schumacher does Weber. Match made in heaven.
  • Field of Dreams – The man loves his father. And baseball, dammit.
  • Magic Mike – Seriously. Will defend to my death.
  • Ali: Fear Eats the Soul – Real, raw, German love.
  • Chocolat – A little sex, a lotta chocolate.
  • It Happened One Night – Is there anything better?

Be Aggressively Romantic

Classics with edge.

  • Punch-Drunk Love – As much pudding as it takes.
  • The Birds – Tippi gets a boyfriend and so much more! (Birds).
  • Serious Moonlight – Tie your cheating husband to a toilet, leave him there.
  • Candyman – Hellllllennnn.
  • Creep – Scary bromance.
  • Jennifer’s Body – Eat boys. Feel pretty.

    Jennifer's Body | Your Comprehensive Valentine's Day Movie Guide | onecriticalbitch.com
    She loves boys.
  • Sweeney Todd – But would you cut throats for love?
  • The Runaways – Cherie and Joan forever.
  • Romeo + Juliet – Lotta guns in this one.
  • The Lobster – Fall in love or pick an animal.
  • Eyes Wide Shut – An erotic thriller where no one has any chemistry and it’s terrifying.
  • The Haunting – If you can’t find a man, get you a house.
  • Wild at Heart – Sailor and Lula forever.
  • Out of the Past – Danger, sex, Jane Greer.
  • Nosferatu – He just wants LOVE. And to die. Also your blood.
  • Natural Born Killers – If you don’t get this, I don’t get you.

Take It A Step (or 5) Too Far

You were warned.

  • American Mary – Fuck romance, get a bone saw and a storage locker.
  • The Devil’s Rejects – Family first.
  • The Nightmare on Elm Street Series – Freddy is my valentine.

    A Nightmare on Elm Street | Your Comprehensive Valentine's Day Movie Guide | onecriticalbitch.com
    See this guy in my dreams.
  • Freaks – Don’t marry people for their money.
  • Buffalo ’66 – Just kidnap a girl.
  • Honeymoon – When your wife isn’t your wife anymore.
  • Gaslight – If there was ever a time to familiarize yourself with this movie and this term, it is now.
  • The St. Valentine’s Day Massacre – per IMDB: “Al Capone’s Valentine’s Day surprise.” Classy
  • May – Can’t find a man, make one.
  • Spring Breakers – All the explanation you need is here.
  • Dead Alive – Anything for Mother.

Remember to Love Yourself

Self-care, at its finest.

    • Waitress – Own the pie shop.
    • About a Boy – No man is an island.
    • Inside Out – Sadness is important, too.
    • Romy and Michelle’s High School Reunion – Invent post it notes. Dance like everyone is watching.
    • Pieces of April – Be you. Mom will come around.
    • Silver Linings Playbook – No shame in your xanax or your mediocre dancing.
    • Stuart Saves His Family – I need Al Franken right now.

via GIPHY

But Not That Much

Narcissism kills.

Now pick your poison – What’s your Valentine’s Day movie of choice?

Make your additions to the list in the comments. If I like ’em, I’ll add ’em.

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